Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) to Train your Brain

How to Win Friends and Influence People is a 1936 self-help book

written by Dale Carnegie. Over 30 million copies have been sold

worldwide, making it one of the best-selling books of all time.

In this classic, Carnegie teaches

  • Techniques in Handling People
  • 6 Ways to Make People like You
  • Win People to Your Way of Thinking
  • How to Change People without Arousing Resentment
  • The Secret to Success

“The ability to deal with people is as purchasable of a commodity as sugar or coffee…and I will pay more for that commodity”   ~ John D. Rockefeller

Criticism is futile because it generally puts people on defensive.  Dangerous because it arouses sense of pride and raises resentment.  Does not make lasting changes.

Researcher Skinner showed animals learn more rapidly when rewarded for good behavior than punished for bad.

“It’s unproductive to scold; I am far too preoccupied in overcoming my own shortcomings to worry about those of others.”

As much as we thirst for approval, we DREAD condemnation.

Engineering manager, when seeing people not wearing hard hats, would ask if it was uncomfortable, didn’t fit properly, etc.   Over and Over without criticism or orders.

Criticisms are like homing pigeons, they always return home.

Do not worry about the snow on your neighbor’s roof unless you are sure there isn’t any on your stoop.

Remember, people are not creatures of logic; we are dealing with creatures of emotion, motivated by pride and vanity.

Benjamin Franklin:  I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everyone.

“I have visualized you as a man, with expectations of all a man knows.  But you are just a boy” –  This is the nature of the Manager vs. Employee relationship.  If the employee knew all that the manager did – and had the wisdom of the manager – they would be a manager.    Just like your children, it’s the manager’s job to raise/train the employee.

Threats have sharply crude side effects, the only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want – what do you want?


* John Dewey, philosopher:  The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.


* Freud:  Man’s two greatest emotions – desire for sex and desire to be great.


“The deepest principal in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”  The craving to be appreciated.  The special individual who can handle peoples’ heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his hand and even the undertaker will sympathize.

  • This desire makes you want the biggest house, nicest car, smartest kid, most stylish clothes.  Can lure into gangs.
  • If you tell me where you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you who you are.  Speaks to character.

Charles Schwab, first man to have $1 million salary at US Steel: “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people to be the greatest asset I possess.  And the way to develop the best in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.  There is nothing else that so kills the ambition of a person as criticism from superiors.  I never criticize anyone.  I believe in giving a person incentive to work.  If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

  • Normal = to heap criticism; good work = nothing.
  • Carnegie even praised associates on his tombstone.

We nourish the stomach but not people’s self-esteem.

The difference between flattery and appreciation is that one is sincere and the other is not.  One comes from the heart out, the other from the teeth out.  One is selfish.

  • “I am talking about a new way of life.”

If you are hearty in your abrogation and lavish in your praise, people will cherish your words.

“I like strawberry and cream, but fish prefer worms.  So when I went fishing I didn’t use strawberries.  I didn’t use what I wanted.  I used what they wanted.”  Why not use same common sense when fishing for people?

  • Find out what they want and show them how to get it.  Every act you have ever performed was because you wanted something.
  • To persuade someone, you must first raise within them an eager want.

“Before you begin to try to persuade someone to do anything, stop and ask yourself  “How can I make this person want to do it?”

When Carnegie received a letter that a hotel he held lectures at was raising rent, he went to the manager:  “I was initially a bit shocked when I got your letter.  But I don’t blame you at all.  If I was in your same position – I probably would too.  Your duty as manager of the hotel is to make all the profit possible.  If you don’t do that, you’ll be fired.  And probably should.  Now let’s take a sheet and write down the advantages and disadvantages.  Advantages = ballroom freed up 20 nights to rent out to others at higher rent.  My business will tie it up.  Disadvantage = instead of increasing business from me, you will decrease it – in fact – you will wipe it out.  Also, these lectures attract crowds that bring people.  I hope you consider these advantages and disadvantages and get back to me.”

  • Whole time he talked about what the manager wanted.

Harry Ford: “If there is any one secret to success it is the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as yours.”

When soliciting someone- start with the benefit (compliment) to them – then ask for their assistance – then close with compliment.

People like to feel like they are buying, not being sold.

My enthusiasm will help raise a desire in others.

When working with people – Always try to increase your tendency to think of things from the other person’s point of view.

First, arouse in the other person an eager want.  He who can do this, has the whole world with him.  He who cannot, walks a lonely way.

Why would a three year old react at the viewpoint of a 30 year old?

*Principal One:  Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

*Principal Two:  Give honest, sincere appreciation.

*Principal Three:  Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Dog is about the only animal whose only job is to give affection.

You can make more friends in two months of trying to get to know other people than two years of trying to get people interested in you.

We are interested in others when they are interested in us.

People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell . . . and raise children more effectively.  – University of Michigan.

Don’t feel like smiling?  Force yourself to.  Act as if you are already happy and you will be.

  • Actions seem to follow feelings but really action and feeling go hand in hand.  Regulating the action – which is under control of the will – we can indirectly affect the feeling.
  • Everyone is seeking happiness and controlling your thoughts is the only sure way to find it.  Happiness does not depend on outward conditions – its inward conditions.
  • Abe Lincoln: “Most people are only about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Asian proverb:  “A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.”

The average person is more interested in their own name than all the other names on earth combined.  Remember that name and call it easily and you will have paid a subtle but effective compliment.

When Carnegie was competing for the steel rail business of a Pennsylvania railroad, he named a steel mill in Pittsburgh after the railroad president.

  • When competing against Pullman for Union Pacific sleeping car business he came up with idea to work together.  Pullman was not interested until Carnegie put his name on it – done.

Make people feel like what you want is personalized to them.

P.T. Barnum – distressed by lack of son – offered his grandson $25,000 to change his first name to Barnum.  People donate huge $ to have buildings and museums in their names.

-Want their names perpetuated.

F.D.R. knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining goodwill was by remembering people’s names and making them feel important.

Politicians know to remember a voter’s name is statesmanship; to forget it is oblivion.

* Principal One:  Become genuinely interested in others.

* Principal Two:  Smile

* Principal Three:  Remember that hearing their name is sweetest sound to people.

* Principal Four:  Be a good listener; encourage others to talk.  Be hearty in your appreciation and lavish in your praise.

An angry, aggravated person is no match for an attentive sympathetic listener.

Some people call a doctor when all they want is an audience.

To be interesting, be interested!  Ask questions that others will enjoy answering.  Urge them to talk about their own accomplishments.  They are 100 times more interested in their problems than yours.  My toothache is more important than famine in Africa.

If you want something from someone, approach them about something of their interest first.

* Principal Five:  Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.

There is one all-important law of human contact:  Always make the other person feel important!

  • Desire to be appreciated is deepest craving.

Little phrases such as “Could I trouble you with…”, “I’m sorry to trouble you”, “Would you be so kind”, “Won’t you please”

All people you meet feel themselves superior to you and a sure way to their heart is to let them realize in some subtle way that you sincerely recognize their importance.

Emerson said “Every man I meet is my superior in some way, in that I learn of him.”

* Principal Six:  Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours” – British PM Disraeli.

You never win an argument.

  • Nine times out of 10 both parties end up more steadfast.
  • If I am arguing with you and you are arguing back, you are making your opinion more firm in your mind.

Instead, “I agree.  I’m sure this is a petty matter compared with the important matters you deal with.  My experience is only from a basis of _______ but you have ______ experience.  I wish I had a job like yours.  I would learn a lot.”

When two partners always agree, one is not necessary.

Listen them out; build bridges of understanding.  Look for areas of agreement; be honest – look for areas you can admit error and do so.  Apologize for mistakes; promise to look over his argument and consider carefully; thank sincerely for their interest; postpone action to think out.

Teddy Roosevelt said that if he could be right 75% of the time, he would reach the highest of his expectations.  If you can be right only 55% of the time, you would make MILLIONS/day on Wall Street.  Why aren’t you?

  • If you can’t be confident of being right 55% of the time, why should you tell people they are wrong.

If you are going to try to change someone’s mind, don’t handicap yourself by letting them know you are trying.  Do it in a way they don’t know you are.  Subtle.

  • Alexander Pope: Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things proposed as things forgot.

Few people like to listen to truths that reflect negatively on their judgment.

  • When we are wrong, we admit it to ourselves.  If we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others.  But not if someone is trying to jam it down our throat.

When presenting a new way of doing things, don’t just come in and criticize old and show new.  They will be defensive.  Instead, work with them to help them come up with your system.

When you are wrong, admit it.  Quickly and emphatically.

  • Gives the other person a feeling of importance – so the only way they can nourish their ego is to show mercy.
  • If you really go over the top admitting wrongdoing, the person hearing will likely actually start defending you thereby arguing (in his own mind) that you are not that bad.

Newspaper writer, when faced with criticism “Come to think it over, you may be right.  What I thought yesterday often doesn’t appeal to me today.  Thanks for bringing to my attention.”

If you come at me with fists doubled, I will double mine as fast.

If you want to capture a man to your cause, first convince him that he is your sincere friend.  Then you get high road to his reason.

White Motor Co. strike:  President stayed calm, praised strikers, took ad complimented them as peaceful way set down tools, bought baseball equipment/bowling games, friendliness begot friendliness.  Strikers actually picked up the grounds.

  • Ended in one week with a compromise.

When you begin talking, don’t begin on where you differ.  Begin by emphasizing and keep on emphasizing what you agree on.

  • Make it that you are both striving to the same end – we just differ on the method to get there.
  • Keep them saying “yes” – minimize “no” for any reason.
  • Keep them moving in an affirmative path.

Socratic Method:  Socrates – based on getting yes-yes response.

  • Ask question opponent has to agree with, over and over, until he has an armful of agreements.

People who are trying to convince do too much talking, let the other person talk themselves out.  They know more about their problems and business than you do.  So ask them questions and let them tell you.  Don’t be tempted to interrupt.  Listen patiently and openly.  Be sincere.

If you want enemies, excel your friends.  If you want friends, let your friends excel you.

  • When our friends excel us, they feel good about themselves.
  •  When you excel them, some fee envious.

Employer asks “What do you want to get from me as an employer”?  “What will you give me in return?”  “If I do ____ will you do _____?”

Clothing salesman who showed sketches to client once a week for three years – never bought.  So, brought sketches and said “here are some unfinished sketches.  Can you help me finish up so they are great?”

  • As opposed to trying to sell what I have, get what you want.

Brooklyn Hospital building world class X-ray wing was inundated by equipment salesmen.  So one sent letter  “We just got new line of X-ray equipment.  The first shipment arrived in office.  We know not perfect and want to improve upon.  Would like you to look upon and give advice.  We will send car to get you.”

Remember that other people may be totally wrong but they don’t think so.  Be tolerant, patient.

Govern what you say by what you would like to hear.

Magic phrase:  I don’t blame you one iota for how you feel.  If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel the same way.

Three-fourths of the people you ever meet are hungering for sympathy.

Carnegie did broadcast on Louisa May Alcott and messed up place where she lived.  Got rude and angry letter from fan.  Called and said “You wrote me a letter about the unforgivable blunder I made the other week.  It was a stupid error and I want to apologize for it.  It was so nice of you to bring up.  Any school child would have known better.  I apologized over air and want to do so personally.”

  • Of course, she apologized and sympathized.

Old manager who managed temperamental singers handled them with symp0athy, sympathy, sympathy.  Big star would routinely call with illness – like spoiled child.  So, he didn’t argue.  Rush over dripping with pity: “Oh, what a pity, my poor fellow.  Of course you can’t sing!  I will cancel at once!  It will only cost you a few thousand dollars – but that is nothing if you are ill!”  Of course, he would sing.

J. Pierpont Morgan – “People generally have two reasons for doing something – a reason that sounds good and the real reason.” Appeal to the nobler motive.

Landlord dealing with tenant breaking least with four months:  “Mr. Dole, I have listened to your story and I don’t believe you intend to move.  Years in the renting business has taught me about human nature.  I sized you up immediately as a man of your word.  Here’s my proposition on table for a few days.  If you still intend to move, fine.  I will admit to myself I was wrong about you and accept your answer.”

Appeal to nobler motives.

Famous guy who didn’t like pic of him in paper told the editor “my mom doesn’t like.”

Rockefeller didn’t like photographers harassing kids – “You know how it is, guys, some of you have kids.  You know it’s not healthy for the kids to get press.”

Magazine publisher who couldn’t afford to pay a lot offered to donate to charity in place.

We live in an era of dramatization.  Facts and figures are not enough.  Your pitch has to be entertaining.

  • Visualization adds to receptiveness.

Cash register salesman was trying to demonstrate how a store was losing money by throwing money on the floor.  Sound of pennies hitting floor.

A marriage proposal on knee is more dramatized.

Lady having problems at work had problems getting appointments with boss.  Secretary kept blowing off.  Wrote formal letter that started “I fully understand how busy you are, but it is important.”  Enclosed a form letter with a self-addressed envelope that read “Ms. Wolf, I am available on _____ day at _____ time for _____ minutes.”

  • Said same day for 10 minutes – got one hour.

Charles Schwab, calling on underperforming plant, asked night shift how many heaps they did.  Said company took piece of chalk and wrote company on floor.  Day came in, asked what was, found out and wrote 7 at end.  Night came back and did 8, etc.

**  Win people to your way of thinking

Principal One: Only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Principal Two: Show respect for the other person’s opinion, never say “you’re wrong.”

Principal Three: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Principal Four:  Begin in a friendly way.

Principal Five:  Get the other person saying yes immediately.

Principal Six:  Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Principal Seven:  Let the other person feel the idea is theirs.

Principal Eight:  Try honestly to see things from other person’s point of view.

Principal Nine:  Be sympathetic to the other person’s ideas and desires.

Principal Ten:  Appeal to the nobler motives.

Principal Eleven:  Dramatize your ideas.

Principal Twelve:  Throw down a challenge.

It’s always easier to hear criticism if framed in something nice.  Start with praise.

Beginning with praise is like a dentist who begins with Novocain.

Principal One:  Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

Stop using the word “but” when you start with praise before criticism.  Once you hear that, you may question the sincerity of the original praise.  Praise just sounds like a contrived lead-in to a critical inference to failure.

  • Change it to “and,” “i.e.,” “we are really proud of you Jonny for raising your algebra grade and by continuing next term on English…”

Principal Two:  Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

Carnegie to secretary: “Josephine, you have made a mistake here.  But it’s not that big of a deal.  Lord knows I have made many a mistake as well.  You are far better than I was at your age.  I did many stupid careless things.  Don’t you think it would have been wise to ….”

Principal Three:  Talk about own failures before criticism.

Principal Four:  Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Letting someone save face.  How vitally important it is and how few of us think of it.  We ride rough shot over the feelings of others.  Finding fault.  Issuing threats.

French aviation pioneer:  “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him but what he thinks of himself.  Hurting a man and his dignity is a crime.”

Principal Five:  Let the other guy save face.

“I ain’t much, baby.  But I’m all I got!”

B. F. Skinner showed that when criticism is minimized and praise is maximized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poor things atrophied.

When praise is specific, it comes across as more sincere.

Principal Six:  Praise the slightest improvement, every improvement.  Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.

Shakespeare:  Assume the virtue you have not.

If you give someone the reputation to live up to, it can change them.

  • Give a dog a bad name and you might as well hang him.

Principal Seven:  Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

Principal Eight:  Use encouragement.  Make the fault seem easy to change.

Lady who was mad about kids tearing through lawn made the worst of them her “detective” and put him in charge of keeping people off her lawn.

The effective leader should keep in mind:

  1. Be sincere. Do not promise what you cannot deliver.  Concentrate on benefits to others.
  2. Know exactly what you want them to do.
  3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what they really want.
  4. Consider the benefits they will receive.
  5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
  6. When you make the request, convey it in a manner that they personally will benefit. Show him the benefits he will get.

Principal Nine:  Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest.