Get off Your ‘But’ – by Sean Stephenson

NOTES

I’ve learned that when people hide behind their limitations, they can’t see anything else. what I’ve learned: the only thing that has ever held you back from having what you want in life is the size of your BUT.

Our BUT is that cushy excuse that we rest on when we want to quit, when we believe that there’s nothing more we can do to resolve our challenges or accomplish our goals or fix our mistakes. Does any of this sound familiar?

Sure, I’d like to change, BUT . . .

I’m too old/too young
I’m too short/too tall• I’m too fat/too skinny
I’m not pretty/handsome enough
I’m not smart enough
I’m from a broken home
I have a learning disability

Here are just three examples that people who are stuck on their BUTS have shared with me over the years:

 “I’d exercise and eat right, BUT I just don’t have the time.”

“I’d quit smoking, BUT I’m too stressed out.”

“I’d ask that girl out, BUT what if she rejects me?”

How Some Folks Can Keep You on Your BUT

Why do some people feel the need to tear down others when they see progress being made? Short answer: we don’t like to be left behind. If you get off your BUT while your friends are still sitting on theirs, they fear you might drift away from them.

Besides separation and humiliation, we humans don’t like seeing those we love get hurt.

Finally, and most likely, one of the biggest reasons people don’t like to see their friends and family get off their BUT is that it’s a huge reminder that maybe it’s time for them to do the same. Self-reflection, when placed right in front of your face, can cause feelings of discomfort.

Why We Sit on Our BUTS

Most people sit on their BUTS for one of three reasons.

They truly believe that their BUT is holding them back. They literally can’t move

Getting off their BUT is too big a risk. It’s easier to be in the unhappy state they’re used to than to take the chance to be happy. The thinking goes like this: you know that if you don’t study for the test, you are more than likely to fail it; yet if you study hard, you still aren’t guaranteed an A. Some people would rather stay stuck on their BUTS, addicted to the certainty of failure, than risk the possibility of disappointment.

They’re mired in a mixture of reasons 1 and 2. They’re partially hypnotized into believing that their BUT will forever hold them back, plus they find it easier to keep the status quo than to see what would happen if they tried to change it.

You know what? None of this is true.

Get Off Your BUT Now!

This book is organized into six lessons designed to help you get off your BUT. Please read them in order: I’ve arranged them this way to give you a great foundation!. You will need what I call a Get Off Your BUT Now! journal for your written responses

LESSON 1

Start Connecting

communication is merely an exchange of information, but connection is an exchange of our humanity.

Communication without connection had actually drained them of energy!

we can talk to others and ourselves all we want, and never get anywhere. It’s the act of truly connecting—not only with other human beings but with yourself—that is step one in getting yourself off your BUT.

Why Should We Have to Connect?

The BUTS that hold us back from connecting with our fellow earthlings keep our souls in the dark.

Because it’s impossible to do harm to anyone with whom we feel truly connected. Malice cannot coexist with connection. Even if we try to entertain the thought of hurting someone we’re truly connected with, we immediately recoil, horrified at the mere idea.

BUT . . . people hurt the ones they love all the time! How can they do this? Simple: their connection with the person is somehow broken.

How We Can Tell When We’re Connected

 Connection comes into being the moment that one individual feels that another genuinely cares about him or her. As soon as this genuine caring energy is mutually experienced, the connection is reciprocated. Both parties know a connection has been created the instant it happens.

If you and I have a real connection, we’ll be able to communicate on a deep level. But if I feel as if you don’t care about me, even though you might have the best advice on the planet, I will feel zero interest in implementing your words of wisdom.

By design, you are built to recognize who cares about you and who does not. It’s hardwired in your biology for a very good reason. Eons of evolution have turned our brains into very effective danger detectors.

Communication is valuable too. I would certainly be unable to share this idea of connection without the existence of communication!

However, without taking the next step in our evolution—from communication to connection—our society is going to have a million devices for staying in close communication, yet we will have no greater purpose motivating us to do so.

Emotional Energy Is the Fuel That Powers Connection

What’s the primary fuel that powers authentic human connection?

Emotion!

Every individual (barring neurological dysfunction) is capable of feeling emotions. We’ve all felt happy, sad, lonely, excited, confused, afraid . . . The spectrum of human emotion is vast and rich. I can’t ever know exactly what you’re going through in life, but I do know that you and I have both experienced similar emotions.

Without emotion, life would be nothing more than a series of mechanical maneuvers

Ten Things I Learned About Connection from President Bill Clinton.

Love him or loathe him, you can’t deny that Bill Clinton is a masterful connection artist.

The first thing I noticed was that he always paid very close attention to how other people were feeling. If they retreated emotionally during an exchange, he immediately reengaged them and brought them back on course. He had an infinite number of techniques, but these were the ones I saw him use most often:

1. He told a story. This was far less intrusive—and way more effective—than making his point directly. And his story would always evoke specific emotions from the listeners—laughter, anger, compassion—that would help them connect with what he was communicating.
2. He made physical contact. On many occasions, he would place his hand on your shoulder, back, or forearm as he spoke, passing his energy on to you kinetically.
He remembered your name.
He called you by name. Whether he remembered it or had to glance down quickly at your name badge, he would make sure to call you by name more than once in the course of his conversation with you. Someone once told me that the sound of our own name spoken in a loving tone is one of the most soothing sounds we can ever hear. I agree.
He made deep eye contact with you. Once President Clinton’s eyes locked onto yours, they didn’t leave until the interaction was complete.
He used his facial expressions to convey his emotional state.
7. He calibrated his vocal inflections and volume based on the amount of rapport he had established. If the rapport was strong, he would be more boisterous in his volume. If it was weak, he would have a more soft-spoken demeanor. Simple, but effective.
He asked for your opinion. The first time the president turned to me and asked, “Sean, what are your thoughts on that?” I thought, “Did he just ask me for my opinion?” Whether he asked because he really wanted to know or because he knew it was tremendously flattering to be asked a question by the leader of the free world, I’m not exactly sure. I do know that it felt good, and I remember it to this day. Humans love to give their opinions on things. On those rare occasions when we are actually asked our thoughts on something—and we are listened to—it makes us feel tremendously important.
He chose his words wisely. Never once did I catch President Clinton taking the verbal low road, slinging slang with disregard. He carefully selected every word to create just the right expression he was looking for.
He praised you publicly any chance he got.

It’s been said that Clinton’s greatest skill is his ability to communicate. I would disagree. I believe his strongest suit is being able to connect.

What If You Feel Too Shy to Connect?

“Shy” behavior exists for many reasons.The greatest is that we think it keeps us from getting hurt. If we don’t get involved, we can’t fail, be made fun of, disappoint someone else, or look bad in any way.

Shy behavior is triggered the second we start thinking about ourselves. The moment we start thinking and acting selflessly, reaching out to help those around us, shyness subsides.

Connection is not just about being friendly; it’s about actually recognizing that the person you’re interacting with is going through his own set of problems and pain, just like yourself.

Every form of religion and science that I’ve ever studied always comes back to this very point: we’re all connected.

you’ll build the real skill of connection by connecting with people who annoy and frustrate you.

I’m not saying you have to be friends with these people, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that connection should be reserved for your personal fan club. We need to connect with everyone in order to truly connect with ourselves.

In fact, I’ve stated many times that I love everyone!

What? How can I make such a blanket statement?

Simply put, I love everyone so that no one can own me. If I hate another person, she owns me. It’s true. Watch what happens in your life when you don’t like someone:

He owns your very thoughts, every time you think about how awful he is.
He owns the conversations you have when you complain about him to your friends.
He even owns your behavior, when you change your plans to avoid him.

 When we hate someone, we become her little marionette. She can make us bob up and down, side to side, in any direction she chooses—that is, until we finally stop hating her and move on.

you’ll build the real skill of connection by connecting with people who annoy and frustrate you.

In fact, I’ve stated many times that I love everyone!

What? How can I make such a blanket statement?

Simply put, I love everyone so that no one can own me. If I hate another person, she owns me. It’s true. Watch what happens in your life when you don’t like someone:• He owns your very thoughts, every time you think about how awful he is.• He owns the conversations you have when you complain about him to your friends.• He even owns your behavior, when you change your plans to avoid him.

  When we hate someone, we become her little marionette. She can make us bob up and down, side to side, in any direction she chooses—that is, until we finally stop hating her and move on.

We often get so caught up in our lives that when someone comes along and disturbs us or makes things difficult, we think, “How dare you interrupt my life!” Rarely do we ever have the full picture. Even if we think we know someone, and understand what she is going through, we actually don’t. We can’t. We are not living in her skin.

I love the part in the movie Peaceful Warrior when the main character says, “The ones who are the hardest to love are usually the ones who need it most.”

Commonality, I knew, is imperative for connection. We like people who are like us. We feel disconnected from anyone whose life seems drastically different from ours. Looks, money, age, race, religion, intelligence, education . . . these are all elements that can make us feel different from others.

Connecting Through Converstational Ping-Pong

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone who was painfully boring and seemed to drone on forever?

If you want to master the art of connection through conversation, just remember to play verbal Ping-Pong. I love to talk, so I have to check in with myself all the time: “Sean . . . has the ball been on their side of the table much during this conversation?” If the answer is no, I quickly say that I’ve been going on about myself, but I really want to catch up on what’s happening with them. You can’t fake it, though. Talking for an hour straight about your life and ending with, “Gotta go—by the way, how are you?” is not going to cut it! Neither is asking them a bunch of questions about their life but not sharing anything about yourself. In order for people to feel connected to you, they need to know how you’re doing, what you’re up to, and how you’ve been feeling. If you hide behind a battery of questions, a person may feel as if you care about him, but he will have nothing invested in you.

I often hear people say, “I’d do all this connection stuff, BUT . . . I’m just too busy.

”We all fall prey to the idea that we don’t have enough time. Yet time is the only commodity that we’ve all been given an equal amount of.

The excuse of “not having time” is never really about time; it’s about priorities. If you don’t set making connections as a high priority, you’ll never feel that there’s time for it. Ironically, when you don’t spend a little extra time connecting with your friends, family, lovers, and colleagues, you’ll end up spending tons of time on the back end repairing hurt feelings and enduring endless amounts of drama.

We can’t procrastinate when it comes to making connections. When we see the window of opportunity, we have to reach out and connect—no BUTS about it. In fact, I believe we put ourselves in real danger when we refuse to connect with others.

I’ve read that doctors who don’t connect with their patients on a personal level are far more prone to being sued for malpractice—even if they didn’t do anything medically wrong. This is because the second a patient has a pain or complication, he’ll find it easier and more natural to think that it must have been caused by the doctor who didn’t really care about him.

Connecting with others is never about appearing to be perfect, and it’s about much more than being nice or polite. We make connections when we open up our authentic self and share the things that make us all human—the good and the bad, warts and all. It’s also about using genuine emotional tools like listening, focusing, and empathy to step into the world of another human being as best you can, making both of your realities happier, safer, and more fulfilling. And there’s a bonus: the more you connect with those around you, the more support you’ll get from others.

It’s the act of truly connecting—not only with other human beings, but with yourself—that is step one in getting yourself off your BUT.

LESSON 2

Watch What You Say to Yourself!

I had just rolled into my office when the phone rang.

Sean, I have a daughter . . . and she’s only in third grade . . .” Her voice was starting to break. “. . . and every day she comes home from school crying.

.”“Why?”“

She was born with a rare condition where her fingers were grown together at birth and her hands are . . . webbed, like a frog’s. Her classmates call her ‘weird.’” Her voice trembled, on the verge of tears. “Is there anything I can say or do to make her feel good about herself?

”My heart went out to her. “Can I talk to your daughter?”

When I heard that girl’s adorable little voice over the phone, my fears and anxiety melted away.

“Hello?” she said, sniffling.

“Hey, darling, how are you?”

“I’m all right,” she whispered, with a voice that could break a giant’s heart.

“Just all right, huh? Well, what’s going on?”

“Um . . .” I imagined she looked at her mom for reassurance. “People call me weird and different because my hands, they look like, um . . . like frogs.” Her voice trailed off in disgust.

I knew I had to do something radical to change the course of this little girl’s “deformed” self-image before it got any worse.

“I’m going to ask you a very important question. Are you ready?

”“Okay.

”“When people meet you, do they remember you?” She paused for a few seconds, and then replied, “Yeah, everyone remembers me!

”“So then you’re not weird, you’re not different . . . you’re memorable!

”“I am? I’m mem-or-able?” She pronounced it to rhyme with “adorable.

”“That’s right, sweetheart.

”“Cool!” she squealed.

The Power of Words

Words have power over us. I know—we’re taught that sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will never hurt us. That’s not really true. Unless you’re some kind of yogi who’s dedicated your life to the release of the ego, words can certainly hurt you.

Words are more than just letters squeezed together: they’re packages of emotions. Loving words can make us feel wonderful. Hurtful words are toxic. Think about it: if all you did was unpack toxic packages every day, you’d eventually get sick.

Simply becoming aware of words as emotion packages can be transformational. You’ll see right away that people actually do live in their language.

Positive people use positive and uplifting words: “You look great!”

Negative people choose negative and cynical words: “You’ll never get that job. Why try?”

People who feel victimized only use the vocabulary of victims. “I never get what I want.”
People who are always sick talk only of their sickness: “I’m just not doing very well.”
People who are extremely gracious speak only of their gratitude: “I’m so glad you were able to come today!

”It’s no coincidence that good words make us feel good and that hurtful or angry words make us feel bad. There is a 100 percent correlation between the words we choose and how we feel.

Weeks had passed since I’d spoken to the little girl with the webbed fingers. I had traveled to half a dozen states and seen thousands of people, and from time to time I wondered how she was doing. Then her mother phoned again.

“Sean . . . Sean . . . Sean! You’re never going tobelieve this!” She was shouting, excited, and out of breath.

“Calm down and tell me what’s going on.

”“My daughter is so confident now!”

“That’s great! What happened?” I asked.

“She marched into school and went up to all of her classmates who were making fun of her and said,‘I’m not weird . . . I’m not different. I’m mem-or-able . . . and you’re going to remember me for the rest of your life . . . Ha, ha, ha!’ I can’t thank you enough, Sean. My little angel is free to be herself.”

Words Can Heal, and Words Can Kill

Words hold the power to destroy, but they also hold the power to create. This is because words do more than define our experiences. In many cases they actually create them.

That’s right: “don’t say anything at all.” Most of us only think of that phrase in terms of how we talk to others. But what about how we talk to ourselves? If we say something nice to ourselves, it can be wonderful, encouraging, uplifting. And if we say something negative or critical or depressing to ourselves, it can be absolutely devastating.

What about that little voice that lives inside all of us?

It’s constantly talking to us. During the day it chatters in the background, making us feel insecure or sad, and at night it narrates our dreams and night-mares and keeps us awake with worry. That voice is not something we need to be afraid of; it’s something we need to take control of.

I have found that most people never deal with their inner voice until it gets too loud and starts acting disrespectful.To escape this internal turmoil, we often numb ourselves into oblivion by overeating, watching too much TV, having impersonal sex, drinking too much alcohol, using drugs . . . the list goes on. For some people, the inner voice gets so hurtful that they believe that the only way they can shut it off is by taking their own life. This is not the outcome I want for you or anyone else in the world

Like good parents of demanding two-year-olds, we need to take control and start parenting our inner voice.

If we catch ourselves saying mean things to ourselves—“You’re too fat! No one will ever love you! You can’t do anything right!”—we have to intervene and say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.

We must respect ourselves. Practice talking to yourself the way you would talk to a best friend, a mentor, or someone you really look up to. Trust me, life will place plenty of obstacles in your path.You can’t afford to be one of them yourself.

Be Your Own Best Friend

I’ve been fascinated with self-talk ever since I became a therapist. It’s a dialogue that we rarely listen to consciously. Why? Maybe because we’re too distracted by ourselves, being critical and negative about who we are and what we’re doing. Meanwhile, our own inner voice is doing a hatchet job on us.

It’s true: if you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, you probably wouldn’t have any friends I have worked with enough people to know for sure that we are harder on ourselves—and meaner—than we are to anyone else.

It’s silly to worry about what others might be saying and thinking about you. Whatever they’re saying, it’s not really about you—it’s about them. In fact, what people say or think about you is a direct reflection of what they may be feeling about themselves. Don’t even think about it. If you want something to concentrate on, concentrate on treating yourself with more respect.

Sadly, I am no longer surprised to find that men around the world beat themselves up internally, especially in the area of dating. My online magazine for men, InnerGameMagazine.com, is an educational forum designed to help guys learn how to develop into confident, proud, successful, and genuine men. Every day, we get e-mail from men struggling with what I call “inner game dysfunction.”

“I’m a loser.” I can’t think of a more unattractive phrase! If you tell yourself every day that you’re a loser, those you’re attracted to will sense this on a deep intuitive level and want nothing to do with you. It’s as simple (and brutal) as that.

Remember: we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. Once you start listening to that persistent voice, you’ll be surprised by how often you’ll catch yourself saying mean things to and about yourself. Keep listening!.

Most negative self-talk centers around three specific language patterns I call the BUT triple threat:

BUT fears

BUT excuses

BUT insecurities

Dealing with Your BUT Fears

Have you ever noticed that whenever you find yourself in a new situation and you’re not certain of the outcome, it feels natural to be afraid? Your heart starts to race, your stomach does acrobatics, and you begin sweating in places you didn’t even know you had. That’s also when your negative self-talk often kicks in:

“BUT what if I fail?”

“BUT what if I look bad?”

“BUT what if I disappoint everyone?”

Just about any phrase that starts off with “BUT what if . . .” is simply fear attempting to work its way into your life.

This acronym has been used so much it’s a cliché—but clichés are clichés because they tend to be true. So here it is again. FEAR is

False

Experiences

Appearing

Real

That’s all it is. Think about it: How many of the things you’ve been afraid of in your life have come to pass? Not many, if any, right? It’s purely a waste of your time and energy and emotion to worry, “BUT what if . . .

”Instead, step in and ask yourself these questions:

“What if my fear is wrong?”

“Who says this fear is true?

”“What if the best-case scenario plays out instead of my worst-case fear?”

This young woman had grown up in a household where her mom was always worried that something bad could happen.

Once we started tweaking her “BUT what if . .”

“fears, her reality shifted. I explained that every time she had a fearful thought, she should stop and ask herself these four questions:

What would happen if that did happen?
What wouldn’t happen if that did happen?
What would happen if this didn’t happen?
What wouldn’t happen if this didn’t happen?

When you order your mind to stop obsessing on the worst-case scenario and put it to work finding alternative outcomes, it gets distracted.

I use this formula every time I find myself frozen in a romantic dating scenario. If I’m at a dance club or bookstore and I see a young woman I want to approach, yet my brain produces a “BUT what if . . .” fear, I immediately step in and scramble the pattern so that I can get unstuck. Only then am I able to relax and be myself. We’re so afraid of looking bad that we forget no one’s looking at us—just like you, other people are looking at who’s looking at them.

Bottom line? “BUT what if . . .” fears are a complete waste of your time. Nine times out of ten, whatever you’re afraid of is not dangerous or life threatening. In fact, it’s probably not even real.

Dealing with BUT Excuses

BUT excuses can swim into self-talk on an hourly basis if we aren’t careful. A BUT excuse is based on an imaginary lack of resources that leads to the belief that we can’t do what needs to be done.

The BUT excuse is always stated as a fact, and we may actually believe it’s a fact. But it’s really just an excuse we use to rationalize our lack of activity or participation:

“BUT I don’t have the time!”

“BUT I don’t have the money!”

“BUT I don’t have the energy!”

Why do we like these BUT excuses so much? Because a BUT excuse gets us out of doing things we don’t want to do. In the beginning, sitting on our BUT excuses can be really comfortable. People leave us alone. Eventually, though, that’s all they ever leave us.

The goal is not to be perfect—our minds are experts at coming up with excuses. The real goal is to recognize when you’re stuck in a BUT excuse loop and do something to get out of it!

Here’s a secret: the excuse itself is never the real reason behind our inaction; it’s just a cover-up for something we’re unwilling to face up to. The truth is that for some other reason that we may not want to acknowledge, we really don’t want that “something”—going to the gym, returning to school, finding a new job, or whatever it is—to be part of our current reality. Our BUT excuse masks our true feelings.

These true feelings are never easy to acknowledge, and often we may even be ashamed of them. We hide behind our BUT excuses so that everyone else will leave us alone. And that’s how an individual can end up alone in life.

How do I get off my BUT excuses?

”Here’s what I do:

I get 100 percent honest with myself. I reveal things that I don’t want to hear, see, or feel, even if it makes me uncomfortable in the moment.
I project my current behavior out into future. What will happen if I don’t change now? Next week? Next month? Next year? In ten years? The answer is never warm and fuzzy, but it’s always motivating!

Get honest with yourself and change your behaviour.

Dealing with Your BUT Insecurities

Our BUT insecurities go right for our self-esteem. These insecurities lurk deep inside, ready and waiting to do you in. In fact, when you think you’re doing really great, they can pop up to pull you down:

“BUT I’m not attractive enough.”

“BUT I’m not smart enough.”

“BUT I’m not talented enough.”

When we sell ourselves the lie that we’re not “enough” or that we’re flawed or broken in some way, we short-circuit all our hopes and dreams. This kind of self-talk defeats us before we even begin, and makes it virtually impossible for us to look in the mirror and see the whole human being who’s really there.

It also makes it impossible for our friends to help us.

Good lesson for me! That’s the interesting thing about our BUTS: no one can get us off of them except ourselves. You can throw people a rope, but if they refuse to grab on and pull their own weight, you can’t save them.

Where do insecurities come from, how do they form, and how can we get rid of them? In order to answer these questions, we first need to understand how beliefs work.

How Beliefs Work

The only difference between a thought (which really doesn’t have much power over you) and a belief (which has total control over you) is this: a belief is a thought you’ve convinced yourself is true. In other words . . .

A belief is just a thought that you’ve made real. Studies indicate that we have more than forty thousand thoughts per day. Most of our thoughts are fairly insignificant. A handful of thoughts, however, can be powerful. These are the thoughts we deem as “truth,” the ones that become our beliefs. A belief has only one job: to gather evidence for its existence. Once our mind decides, “Yep, that’s true,” it (our mind) will go out into the world and find evidence to back it (our belief) up—even if it (our mind) has to delete, distort, generalize, or even fabricate every bit of evidence it (our mind) gathers to prove its (our beliefs ) own existence.

The Greatest Lie Ever Told

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Seeing is believing.” Well, I have some bad news. You’ve been lied to. Seeing is NOT believing. It’s the other way around: believing is seeing. Whatever you really believe about something, your brain will alter your five senses so that you actually experience it as real and true.

If we believe we are unattractive, our brain will work full-time—in every waking second—to make sure all the sincere compliments we receive about our appearance are distorted or deleted as they enter our consciousness.

In order for a thought to become a belief, it has to be nurtured by evidence that proves its own existence. With each piece of evidence, it sprouts a root, and its foundation grows stronger. Soon, that thought—true or false—becomes a sturdy belief planted in your mind, growing stronger every day.

Beliefs aren’t inherently bad or good. If we ask our belief that we are beautiful, for example, to go gather evidence to support it, it will find every shred of proof it can to convince us that we are beautiful.

The quality of your beliefs and the self-talk that supports those beliefs determine the quality of your emotions. If you spend your time proving that you’re ugly, dumb, not supposed to be wealthy, and defective, I promise you that your emotional state is going to be depressed and angry, and all your negative self-talk will create a terrible state of mind. To counter the emotional pain this causes, many of us turn to immediate gratification—food, alcohol, drugs, and so on. But none of those gratifiers give us lasting satisfaction. Lasting gratification comes only from growth and contribution. It’s only when we work on ourselves and we contribute our resources (time, money, and energy) to the efforts of others or the planet are we truly blessed with lasting gratification.

Your self-talk creates the map that directs your life. The question is, what route are you mapping out? You can’t afford to treat yourself as anything less than the coolest person on the planet. I vowed years ago to always speak to myself with love and respect, and I am one of the happiest and most peaceful people you’ll ever meet. You see, when you combine respectful self-talk with physical confidence (we’ll talk about that in the next lesson), people will begin loving and respecting you on a level you never thought possible.

Now is the time to brush off the negative thoughts and beliefs you’ve been carrying for too long.

LESSON 3

Master Your Physical Confidence

How you move, speak, look, and carry yourself plays a crucial part not only in determining how others perceive you but also in building your own sense of confidence and self-worth.

The Mind-Body Connection

Physical confidence is the external expression of our internal state of confidence.Think of the most confident person you know. Think back to the first time you met him or her. How is it possible that we can spot a confident person from across the room? Because to a great degree, we wear our confidence on the outside.

The mind and body may seem like two separate entities. In reality, however, they are one. Whenever something happens to you psychologically, you experience an instantaneous physiological reaction. Conversely, when you introduce any stimulation to the body, you instantaneously experience an intellectual and emotional reaction.

Your entire body (not just the brain) is a thinking and feeling machine. Research shows that even the most microscopic parts of you (cells, molecules, atoms, quarks) are working together in constant communication.

Our nervous and digestive systems in particular are so closely linked that many researchers refer to them as one physical unit: the brain-gut axis. Your gut actually contains as many neurons (nerve cells) as your spinal cord does. This connection between the brain and the digestive system is an extremely busy two-way street. The central nervous system releases chemicals (acetylcholine and adrenaline) that tell the stomach when to produce acid, when to churn, and when to rest. Our digestive system responds by sending electrical messages to the brain, creating such sensations as hunger, fullness, pain, nausea, discomfort—and, possibly, such emotions as sadness and joy.

The Brain-Gut Axis

According to Emeran Mayer, MD, a gastroenterologist and the chairman of the new Mind-Body Collaborative Research Center at the University of California at Los Angeles, our guts actually help shape our moods. Especially important, according to Dr. Mayer, is the vagus nerve, which is essentially a large electrical cable that runs between the brain and the digestive system.

Nobody knows exactly what messages are traveling along this cable, but scientists have found that stimulating the nerve at different frequencies can cause either anxiety or a strong sense of well-being.

When those feel-good chemicals are pumping to your brain, you feel good. When you give your body the right fuel, you feel good.

Physical Confidence Is Vital

Next time you’re in a bad mood, stop and check in with your body. If you’re feeling angry, notice how your body is in an angry posture (fists clenched, shoulders hunched, lips in a tight line), your voice has an angry tone, and you breathe at a fast, ragged, angry rate. If you wanted to, you could intervene at any time and feel something different—simply by shifting your body into a happy posture: hands open, shoulders down, mouth curving upward in a smile, voice with a more upbeat tonality, breathing relaxed. Like magic, you’d feel better.

Of course, I’m not saying that this shift of physiology will fix the problem of whatever angered you in the first place. What it will do is decrease or possibly eliminate the intensity of the sensation of your anger, and give you time to think.

Slowwwwww . . . Downnnnnn . . .

One thing I hear over and over from clients is that they just don’t have enough time. The solution is easy: Slow. Down. Your. Movements.I’m not talking about moving as if you were running in slow motion; I am simply suggesting that you be more aware of how your body is moving.

Relax. Keep your entire body loose. If your fists are clenched, release them. Let go of any tension you’re harboring anywhere in your body.
Breathe. If you’re taking shallow breaths, begin taking slower and deeper breaths. Be sure to exhale completely! If you find yourself fidgeting (for example, dipping your hands in and out of your pockets; fiddling with any object obsessively; chewing your nails; playing with your hair; tapping your feet, hands, or fingers), take a deep breath in, smile, gently place your body in a comfortable position—and leave it there.
Slow down your blinking. Be aware of your blinking rate. If it’s too fast, slow it down.
Bring your head up.
Adopt good posture.
Use a strong tone of voice.
Smile!
Be peaceful.

Sensory Acuity

If you pay close attention to microchanges in physiology, you can tell when your feelings (or someone else’s feelings) are shifting. Our awareness of these details is referred to as sensory acuity. The following physical cues telegraph your internal emotional condition:

Pupil dilation: The larger the pupils, the more open and connected we feel (if not influenced by direct light or drugs, that is).

Flushed skin: The more red the skin (specifically in the face), the more uncomfortable, fearful, embarrassed, or sexually nervous we feel.

Muscle tension:

Quick breathing: The more quickly we breathe (unless we have just done some physical activity), the shallower the breaths we take, and the higher in the lungs our breath comes from, the more constricted we feel.

Lip configuration: If our lips are unnaturally pursed and slightly white, we’re likely to be upset or extremely displeased.

Finding Romance Through Physical Confidence

If you want to be seen as sexy, you must project a vital, fluid physical confidence. The same is true for the Fortune 500 executives I’ve worked with. Those who are conscious of their movements and in control of their breathing and posture keep their cool no matter what happens.

No matter how great your self-talk and how confident your stance, you can be thrown off balance in less than a second if you don’t contro what you focus your attention on.

Over the years, I’ve met hundreds of men and women who have struggled with their weight all their live. Here’s what I tell my clients:

You will continue to struggle with your weight if you blame others or shame yourself. Blame statements, such as, “I would exercise, BUT my boss keeps me too busy,” and shame statements, such as “I would be in shape, BUT I’m a lazy pig,” will do nothing to help you change your life. These statements only breed discouragement.

After so many years, it’s no surprise that when you look in the mirror, all you can see is fat. It’s time for you to look beyond the fat, right into your soul. You’ll see something right away: you really are no different than Andréa. Your “self ” is attractive—it is just waiting for you to acknowledge it and ask for support. Allow your spirit, mind, and body to work together to help you create an amazing new body, the one that was there all along.

LESSON 4

Focus Your Focus

The ability to manage your focus is one of your greatest powers. What you put your attention on determines what you accomplish, how you feel, and what you can handle in life.You might even say that it has the biggest influence over what happens to you in life. Here’s the perfect example . . .

Happiness Is Right in Front of You

How Focus Works

Our conscious mind can focus on only about seven chunks of data per second. After that, it loses focus. There are an infinite number of things to pay attention to, yet our focus limits us to a relative few. And these few are of prime importance. “Whatever you focus on, your life will head in that direction”.

I believe I have found a foolproof recipe for misery: focus on all the things you don’t like and don’t have in life, and don’t think about anything else. It’s that simple.

The Egg-Timer Technique

My parents never formally studied a word of psychology, yet they instinctively knew that if I focused too long on a negative aspect of my life, I would only make it worse.

If they caught me feeling sorry for myself, they would say, “Sean, if you want to feel sorry for yourself, that’s totally okay.” They would then go to the kitchen, rustle around in the pantry, and return with an egg timer and this instruction: “However, Sean, today you only get fifteen minutes. Ready? Go!” And the egg timer would click off the minutes.

Of course, after five minutes of wallowing in uninterrupted self-pity, I would get bored and want to go play. They would then remind me that I had another ten minutes to go.

“Sean,” they told me, “you can certainly cry if you want to. You’re just not allowed to drown in your tears.”

Years later, I realized they were really teaching me the power of gratitude. Gratitude is simply focused appreciation. It is nearly impossible to be upset in a space of gratitude

Compare Leads to Despair

Comparing ourselves to others is a game that ends badly no matter which way you play it. If you act as if you’re worse off than others, you will believe it, and you will live your life feeling inferior. If you act as if you’re superior to others, you’ll believe that too—and you’ll live a life of arrogance; no one will want to be around you. This little mantra says it all: “Compare leads to despair.”

Anytime I catch myself feeling sad because I don’t have something someone else does, I repeat my mantra, and the gnawing feeling of lacking something quickly subsides.

To take a chance on happiness and adventure is a way to build your dreams. To focus on not doing something because of what others might think of you is a way to completely lose touch with your authentic self.

When we constantly focus on what others think of us (more correctly, what we think others think of us), we make every decision in a space of hesitation and fear. This focus on what we’re afraid of causes the body to live in a constant state of panic, stressing all its systems. Some amount of stress is fine, and inevitable in life. But this constant stress causes more illnesses and premature deaths than can ever be recorded.

My personal remedy for stress relief requires no training and can be done anywhere, at any time, by anyone. What is it?Laughter.

In fact, even curving your mouth upward in the semblance of a smile—no matter how you feel inside—stimulates your brain to release healing chemicals into your system.

Here’s my prescription:

Giggle more.

Smile more.

Have a good belly laugh as often as possible!

Fairness Is an Illusion One of the toughest parts of my job is helping people who can’t stop focusing on what’s not fair. I call it the “BUT it’s not fair” disease.

Whoever you are, the cure is the same. Be forewarned: it may feel uncomfortable at first.

However, if you embrace it, I promise you it will set you free from your struggles.

Fairness is an illusion.

Fairness never existed and never will.

No one in life gets less or more than anyone else. We just get different stuff.

That’s right. No one is dealt a bad or a good hand in life; we’re just dealt cards. It’s up to us to stay in the game and play. Sure, some cards look “better,” but they’re really not. If you look closely, you’ll see that anything you feel has been taken from you—or never given to you at all—was replaced with other amazing opportunities and gifts. It’s up to you to find them.

It all comes down to what you focus on. I focus on what’s great about my life, and that puts me head and shoulders over the guy who looks like Brad Pitt but is too busy focusing on what’s not fair about his life.

You and I are together on the path right now. Someday, we’ll get to the end of our walk in the park. Until then, let’s make sure we get everything we can out of life by focusing not on what we lack but on all the things we love and are grateful for.

One important thing for us to be grateful for is that we don’t have to make this trip all by ourselves! We’re fortunate to have the ability to bring other people into our lives.

LESSON 5

Choose Your Friends Wisely

It all began with an innocent question. “Gary,” I asked, “if you had the opportunity to share only one piece of advice with someone on how to succeed, what would you tell him?”

“Hmm . . . Only one piece? Okay, here it is: becareful who you complain to.”

“Sean,” he explained, “a real friend is someone you call when you’re having a bad day. Think about it. Do you call your obnoxious neighbor, your boss, or your enemy on a bad day? No, you call your friend.

”I couldn’t argue with that!

“So,” he continued, “what type of response would a real friend have to your complaints?” He didn’t wait for me to answer. “Here’s my rule of thumb,” he said. “A good-quality friend won’t join in with you. They will either help you fix the issue or help you let go of the negativity you’re tangled up in.”

I’ve seen so many people get off their BUTS and make huge strides in their health, wealth, and relationships—only to be shot down and torn apart by their “friends.”

we become exactly like those we hang out with mostWhen you place yourself in an environment, you eventually become the environment. It’s inevitable.

The truth is, if you take action on all the other lessons in this book but overlook this one, everything you’ve achieved will eventually be undermined.

It’s a sad truth, but we humans often make horrible choices in the company we keep.

Avoid the Takers

I’ll bet you know at least one person in your life who mooches off you, selfishly using your money, talents, social network, or belongings. Maybe you even tolerate it. Don’t!

Takers like this man have no regard for you, your wishes, or your boundaries.

Avoid the Drainers

Now let’s talk about the member of the pit crew who pokes holes in your gas tank. These people are drainers—they drain your energy, bringing drama, darkness, and negativity into your life. !”No matter how strong you are, drainers will eventually suck the life out of you and suck you into their depressing world. You can spot them easily by listening to what they talk about; negative statistics, scary news stories, health warnings, and horrifying, terrible personal accounts are par for te course.

You should be able to talk about all kinds of things. Yet if you begin to notice that certain friends can talk only about what’s wrong, bad, and unfair with the world and their life—and, by extension, your life—that’s a sign that you’re talking to a drainer.

Avoid the Destroyers

They actually get a thrill out of destroying minds, bodies, spirits, dreams, opportunities, and property. Sometimes they do this unconsciously, without even realizing it, but sometimes they do it on purpose. These are the so-called friends who pressure us to drink to get drunk, to always blow off our work and play, to quit on our dreams, to break the law, to do something unethical or immoral . . . the list goes on and on.

Destroyers are angry people. They show the world they don’t care by challenging authority and laying waste to everything they come into contact with.

Destroyers feel they have nothing to live for outside of seeing what they can get away with. The fact that their actions have negative consequences for others rarely—if ever—registers on their radar.

As annoying and destructive as they are, takers, energy drainers, and destroyers are generally not evil people—they are people who need help. But unless they come to you specifically asking for that help, you need to stay out of it.

Relax. I’m not suggesting that you need to scrap your entire pit crew and recruit a new batch of friends.You just need to consider how much time you want to spend with certain people.

This is why I split my pit crew into three groups:

A Friends—friends I Always want to be around2.

B Friends—friends I want to B careful of3.

C Friends—friends I want to say “C ya later!” to

The majority of your friends will probably fall into the B category. Sometimes they seem positive and supportive, like A Friends, and at other times they’re negative and destructive, like C Friends. You never know who will show up when you hang out with them.

Your goal from this day forward is to recruit A Friends into your pit crew. In a world overpopulated by B and C Friend behaviors.

It takes only a few A Friends—or even one—to transform your life.

The quickest way to figure out if a person is A Friend material is by meeting and observing his closest friends.

Another clue is to watch how the individual reacts under pressure. Does she flip out and make really big deals about little things? Red flag!

Where to Find A Friends

My potential A Friends tend to turn up at personal growth seminars, places of worship and meditation, healthy restaurants, adventure clubs, bookstores, coffee shops, gyms, and dinner parties given by other A Friends. Two themes characterize all these venues: upbeat and health conscious.

By now you’re probably wondering, “Sean, does this mean I have to dump my B and C Friends right away?”

Of course not! I’m certainly not suggesting that you whip out your cell phone and call all your friends and let them know what category they’re in.

The main point is to learn to pay attention to the people you surround yourself with and how they make you feel. Once you do that, the sorting process will take care of itself.

Letting go of friends should never be a cruel process. And yes, almost everyone deserves a second chance.

Yet even with the strongest pit crew, you still have to face the biggest hurdle alone: taking responsibility for your past, present, and future. Owning the good, the bad, and the ugly truth of where you are and where you’re headed will become your secret weapons.

LESSON 6

Take Full Responsibility

This last lesson is all about ownership—one of my favorite words in the English language. Until you own something, it owns you. It doesn’t matter if it’s an addiction, a fear, an excuse, or a thought. If you try to pass it off, deny it, or argue with its existence, it will continue to control your every move in life.

The weakest people on the planet own nothing. I’m not talking about owning physical possessions; I’m talking about truly meaningful things: where they are in life, their physical health, the pain they’ve caused others, the good they’ve done others, their reaction to the abuse they’ve endured, the ways they’ve chosen to numb their pain, the direction in which their life is pointed. Until you own your life—the good and the bad—you’re like a beached fish flopping around on land: you can move all you want, but you’re not going anywhere.

The Freedom Formula

One of my wisest and most educated mentors is Dr. Matthew James, president of American Pacific University. He taught me a formula that helped me take ownership of my life and that is responsible for ending self-sabotage and allowing me to develop into the man I am today.

This formula is so simple, you might gloss right over it. Yet the best solutions are almost always simple—it’s our problems that are complex.

The more I test out this formula, the more it proves itself right, continually strengthening my commitment to it.

Unfortunately, if a client will not agree to work with this formula, I am forced to end the session and refund his money. Why? Because without acknowledgment of and commitment to this formula, all other therapeutic techniques will fail.

This is the formula:

C > E

See? I told you it was simple.

C stands for Cause, and E stands for Effect. Cause is greater than Effect. Each of us is living on one side or the other of this formula.

No matter which side we live on, we always get effects. The question is: Are these the effects we want?

When you live at the Cause end of the formula, you are the conscious mover of your life. When you are living at the Effect end of the formula, things just seem to “happen” to you. You are not in charge of your own life. Let’s take a closer look at what it means to live at Cause and what it takes to live at Effect.

Living at Cause

We can tell that we’re living at Cause when we have the results we really want out of life.

This equation doesn’t judge what we want; it simply measures where we are in life. Do you have what you want? If you do, then you’re already living at Cause. If you don’t have what you really want, though, you’ll need to change your way of thinking and acting. And that means taking responsibility for what happens to you.

When you live at Cause, you take full responsibility for everything that you have attracted into your life—the good and the bad.

We’ve all attracted negative scenarios, people, and events into our lives. Living at Cause doesn’t mean feeling guilty or ashamed of what you have attracted to yourself. It means understanding that you are responsible for your actions—it is about owning your life and how it has transpired every step of the way.

Living at Effect

You are living at Effect if you have a pile of “reasons” for why you don’t have what you want in life. Oh, how we love our reasons. Reasons are just excuses in fancy packaging. A reason is a two-syllable word for BUT—something we feel justified to sit back on in life.

We’re living at Effect every time we blame someone or something else for our condition or status in life. The more we blame, the weaker we get, and the further we travel away from what we want most in life.

Effect is where most people live. In fact, most of this planet is living at Effect. The evidence is everywhere to be seen: divorce, disease, bankruptcy, depression, alcoholism, obesity, and the loss of the desire to live. It cripples people emotionally, mentally, and spiritually—much more profoundly than my brittle bones disorder.

I’m often tempted to take out an ad in all the newspapers saying, “You are at the source of being fat, sick, tired, broke, angry, depressed, and lonely. Stop blaming your boss, family, neighbor, lover, government, society, or God. You are the one at the scene of the crime every time something goes wrong in your life. Stop looking for a fall guy, a scapegoat, or an innocent bystander to pin your problems on. Until you take ownership for your life, you will always be chasing happiness.”

Taking Out the Trash

I once explained the Freedom Formula to a client of mine, a woman who had been severely abused. She burst out in tears and said, “Are you saying I’m at fault for my father beating me as a child?”

“Of course not,” I replied. “This isn’t a matter of being at fault for being abused. This is a matter of being responsible for how you act in response to those events now. When you were little, you were right to do everything you needed to do to protect yourself. The question is, are you still curling up in a ball to fend off the blows of life, or are you standing tall?”

If you don’t clean up a yard full of trash, you will breed diseases, smells, and god-awful sights. I’m responsible for my yard and for how it is kept. I am responsible for how I allow others to treat me

Setting down your pity pipe isn’t comfortable or easy. At first you may feel the anger, sadness, or confusion that your pity has been dulling all these years.

The Power of Cause

Living at Cause may seem like a difficult thing to do. It is—at first. When you live at Cause, you can’t pass the buck. You can’t get out of doing the tough stuff. Ultimately, however, you will be granted access to a world most people can experience only vicariously.

People get rich, he explained, when they “Shut up, stop whining, and get a life!”

I’m going to take the gloves off here. You can pretend to the world as much as you want that you’ve got it all together, disguising yourself as a fitness buff who has lots of money and a great job and a great relationship. But when you put your head on the pillow every night, you know full well that you’re unhappy with what you weigh, how muchmoney is in your bank account, the sorry state of your romantic and emotional relationships—and the enormous amount of energy you have to put out every minute of every day to keep the world from finding out what a fraud you are.

Don’t kid yourself. Anyone with sensory acuity can see what’s going on.

Once I stopped talking about action and started taking action in my business, everything turned around. Not overnight, of course. I had to work on what I wanted and wait for the results.

Living at Cause will immunize you from the “BUT it’s not fair” disease. You’ll be able to look at everything that happens and know that it serves you either as a reward for your effort or as a learning experience for a course correction. This is the open secret about why I’m so content with my life. I believe that I’m responsible for handling anything that falls in my yard. That means I can feel deserving of the money I make, the women I attract, the accomplishments I rack up, and all the amazing people I have in my pit crew. No good thing happens to me by accident—not in my self-appointed reality.

On the flip side, I understand that anything in my life that I don’t like—anything that’s uncomfortable, inconvenient, or even horrifying—is something that can teach me an extremely valuable life lesson.

The smallest things in life can grow into obstaclesthat bring us to our knees—if we don’t pay attention and own them. Yet the simple act of owning them shrinks them back down to size.

I’m done with waking up every day, scared that life is just a chaotic game of chance. I see it as a beautiful living structure of opportunities that I bring into my existence.

Skeptics are individuals trying to make sense of everything. I like skeptics. They are open to believing new things if evidence is produced showing that they are wrong. Cynics, in contrast, are looking to prove that they are right. If you produce evidence that they are wrong, they will either run away, attack you, or throw a tantrum. I don’t take this personally.

 It’s not a matter of being perfect; it’s a matter of no longer repeating past negative behaviors once you realize that they’ve been running your life.

It may sound harsh, but here’s what I’ve found: If they choose not to use the connection techniques I taught them, they’ll continue to struggle.If they go home and keep talking to themselves like an enemy, beating themselves up at every turn, they’ll continue to struggle.If they take on the body language of someone afraid of her own shadow, they’ll continue to struggle.If they focus on all the things they don’t want and don’t have and that aren’t fair, they’ll continue to struggle.If they go back to their negative pit crew and do nothing to change it, they’ll continue to struggle.If they choose to blame everyone and his dog for their problems, living at Effect . . . you can finish the sentence by now.

My Breakthrough Process only works if you do your assignments.

Don’t get me wrong—there is magic in these pages. It’s up to you to apply the lessons and do the activities. If you work the lessons actively, choosing to live at Cause—watch out, world!.

One Last Thing …

Allow me to leave you with this parting piece of wisdom. One of my mentors, Eben Pagan, once asked me, “Sean, when does a person learn something?”

I thought about it, and said, “When they retain the information they set forth to absorb.”“Wrong,” he replied. “Learning doesn’t occur until a behavior has changed. As long as you know something intellectually but you have yet to put it into practice, you haven’t learned it at all.”