This is a great one for the time we live in.   Sooo many people want to say everything they feel to everyone in the world (generally via social media).   Then they get mad when people do the same back to them.   They get hurt, they get angry, they get “triggered.”

Fortunately, we study NLP so we know this is neither “right” nor “wrong.”  That is not a domain for which we live.

We are NLP Practitioners, so we view these feedback episodes in a different light.  We ask “is this effective?”  What are the goals of the interaction, and does this move any party toward that goal?

What IS more effective is looking at your communication through a lens of “The meaning of communication is the response you get.”   If other words, what you say to others isn’t about you.

It’s about them.  Communicate in a way where the receiver understands what you are saying.   Not in the way you think they should.   It’s not about you.

Even if the whole point of your communication is to be understood, you must be mindful that the meaning is the response you get.   You stating your feelings to another might make you feel better.   However, if that person doesn’t act in a way that is congruent with your feelings and needs, the statement of your feelings is useless.   Instead be mindful to relay your thoughts and feelings in a manner that is in alignment with the needs of the listener.   It will be much more likely to be received well and acted upon favorably.

This presupposition is particularly important for sales people.   You absolutely MUST communicate in a way that is congruent to how the listener wants to hear it.  Because the whole goal is to get the response that you want – the Sale.   So you absolutely have to communicate how the listener wants to hear you – including your mannerisms and body language.

A simple example of this comes from my career in the mortgage business.   The mortgage business looooove acronyms.  People almost stop being people.  They become a FICO, an LTV, a DTI, and a Comp.   These mean nothing to people who have never worked in the industry.  That is why, when I was a sales manager, I told all of my LO’s:  If you catch yourself using a term you didn’t know 3 months before you started in the mortgage business – stop and explain what that means.

Though this doesn’t only mean the words you use.   This comes even more from HOW you are communicating with your clients.  Your pitch, your pace, your tone, your body language.   When you are tired or feeling low key, you don’t want to be bombarded by some hyped up guy talking fast and leaning in.   It’s off putting.

We like people who are like us.  Because we trust Us.  Since we trust Us, we trust things that are like us.  So be like them.   Match their posture.  Match their pace and tone.  Match their mannerisms and expressions.  Don’t mimic – just be similar.

All of this will help you improve the recipient’s receipt of your message.   If they understand what you mean, what you are communicating, and your intent they will be more likely to give you the result you seek.

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