Reading Notes for:
How to Win Friends & Influence People
By Dale Carnegie
To be interesting, be interested! Ask questions that others will enjoy answering. Urge them to talk about their own accomplishments. They are 100 times more interested in their problems than yours. My toothache is more important than famine in Africa.
If you want something from someone, approach them about something of their interest first.
* Principal Five: Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
There is one all-important law of human contact: Always make the other person feel important!
- Desire to be appreciated is deepest craving.
Little phrases such as “Could I trouble you with…”, “I’m sorry to trouble you”, “Would you be so kind”, “Won’t you please”
All people you meet feel themselves superior to you and a sure way to their heart is to let them realize in some subtle way that you sincerely recognize their importance.
Emerson said “Every man I meet is my superior in some way, in that I learn of him.”
* Principal Six: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours” – British PM Disraeli.
You never win an argument. Nine times out of 10 both parties end up more steadfast.
- If I am arguing with you and you are arguing back, you are making your opinion more firm in your mind.
Instead, “I agree. I’m sure this is a petty matter compared with the important matters you deal with. My experience is only from a basis of _______ but you have ______ experience. I wish I had a job like yours. I would learn a lot.”
When two partners always agree, one is not necessary.
Listen them out; build bridges of understanding. Look for areas of agreement; be honest – look for areas you can admit error and do so. Apologize for mistakes; promise to look over his argument and consider carefully; thank sincerely for their interest; postpone action to think out.
Teddy Roosevelt said that if he could be right 75% of the time, he would reach the highest of his expectations. If you can be right only 55% of the time, you would make MILLIONS/day on Wall Street. Why aren’t you?
- If you can’t be confident of being right 55% of the time, why should you tell people they are wrong.
If you are going to try to change someone’s mind, don’t handicap yourself by letting them know you are trying. Do it in a way they don’t know you are. Subtle.
- Alexander Pope: Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things proposed as things forgot.
Few people like to listen to truths that reflect negatively on their judgment.
- When we are wrong, we admit it to ourselves. If we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others. But not if someone is trying to jam it down our throat.
When presenting a new way of doing things, don’t just come in and criticize old and show new. They will be defensive. Instead, work with them to help them come up with your system.
When you are wrong, admit it. Quickly and emphatically.
- Gives the other person a feeling of importance – so the only way they can nourish their ego is to show mercy.
- If you really go over the top admitting wrongdoing, the person hearing will likely actually start defending you thereby arguing (in his own mind) that you are not that bad.
Newspaper writer, when faced with criticism “Come to think it over, you may be right. What I thought yesterday often doesn’t appeal to me today. Thanks for bringing to my attention.”
If you come at me with fists doubled, I will double mine as fast.
If you want to capture a man to your cause, first convince him that he is your sincere friend. Then you get high road to his reason.
White Motor Co. strike: President stayed calm, praised strikers, took ad complimented them as peaceful way set down tools, bought baseball equipment/bowling games, friendliness begot friendliness. Strikers actually picked up the grounds.
- Ended in one week with a compromise.
